


Man enough

by Morethancupcake



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Established Relationship, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Misunderstandings, hurt!Dean, maybe a hint of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-18
Updated: 2015-01-18
Packaged: 2018-03-08 02:24:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3191744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morethancupcake/pseuds/Morethancupcake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>" "You don't need to worry about that, beloved. Let me take care of you." It's a flash, it's just a second, but Dean almost punches him."</p>
<p>Dean is back from Lawrence, and the poison and hateful words followed him home. To Castiel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Man enough

It's always hard, coming back to the city.

Every year, since he moved away to college, and a new life, a better one, Dean goes back to Lawrence, two weeks during the summer. Two weeks in the garage, with Bobby and Rufus. Two weeks with Benny, Andrea and the kids. Two weeks with his dad.

It's both the best and worst time of the year.

Castiel usually goes to see Gabriel. They don't call each other often, mostly because there's no privacy in the old house, but not only.

Thing is, Dean feels insecure the moment he gets himself back in the house, back in this tiny room he used to share with Sam. He knows about the gossip, about the names people are calling him. He knows about the calls his father gets at work, about the fights with the other officers, because the Winchester boy is in love with another man. His life with Castiel, happy and light and amazing is wrong here. It's a sin.

So he plays the part. He pretends to take Jo on dates, and when she isn't talking about Charlie, he's talking about Cas. He spends time in the garage and goes to the bar to get a beer. He talks football and girls, cars and hunts. He doesn't talk about the ring safe in his pocket, and the lighter skin on his finger. He doesn't talk about the way Cas' eyes can make him feel free and safe. Loved.

He's always so glad to come back home, and to forget the words. Bobby telling Adam to shut up when he says "Is your boyfriend making you so soft you can't play, Winchester ?" Rufus getting in a fight with one of the regular after he asks "Heard you were one of those. Are you wearing a dress too, when you get on your knees for your man ?" Jo slapping one of the girls at the bar who whispers to him "Maybe you just need the right woman not to want to be one".

He's home now, after too many trains, and too much time to think. Castiel is waiting for him on the platform, smiling and happy. He doesn't kiss him, he knows Dean is usually on edge after his trips, and he just gets him into a hug, making him feel right for the first time in days. Now, Dean can breathe. He asks about everyone, about the weather and the trains, about the food and his sleeping pattern. It should annoy him, but he loves it.

He notices when they're almost home Castiel took his bag for him, and he's now driving the Impala. It stings a little.

Castiel's skin is golden and his eyes are tired. He tells him about Gabriel and their little trip to the sea over food. He's tired, and yawns a few times before Dean decides they need to leave the dishes and go to bed. When he's back to the room after his shower, Castiel is asleep, and he's feeling something. Something weird. As if the poison from the little town followed him here. 

They still have a few days before work. They avoid the heat by going to museums and movie theater. To parks and bars. It feels like the summer will never end. They walk home and stop to get food. 

Dean notices Castiel is carrying most of the heavy bags. The thing is boiling in his gut. He still doesn't know what it is.

They decide to move things a little in the appartment. They get rid of old clothes, and half of Castiel's library. They clean the heaters and Dean spends time on baby. When he's back feeling fresh and happy, he finds his boyfriend under the sink, taking care of the pipes, something he swore he was going to do.

"Come on, dude. I told you I was going to !" He tries not to sounds pissy about it, but he knows he's failing when he catches Castiel hide his smile.

"I know, Dean. But you were having fun, and I was bored." He gets up, and while drying his hands on a rag, he kisses Dean softly. "You don't need to worry about that, beloved. Let me take care of you."

It's a flash, it's just a second, but Dean almost punches him. Castiel misses it completely, asking about beers and dinner. Dean goes straight to the bathroom, and waits enough to find Castiel asleep on the couch. For the first time, Dean goes to their bed alone. He doesn't know why he does it. Out of spite, to punish himself maybe ? He shouldn't need the other man that way. He shouldn't want to be held, and protected. He's a man. He's supposed to be strong. Not to purr under another body, hands craddling him.

In the morning, Castiel is a little hesitant. Almost hurt. Dean can feel he wants to ask, he wants to know why he didn't wake him up, why he left him on the couch without even a blanket. Dean kisses him hard and deep, making the other man moan in his mouth. He doesn't offer him coffee and breakfast, and goes to spend the day with Sam. When he comes back, long after dinner, Castiel is battling with a jar, obviously craving his toast with the expensive orange marmelade he's so fond of. Dean grabs it and opens it for him, smirking at his boyfriend. Cas kisses him as a thank you, and Dean can see he hopes whatever was bothering him is gone. And for a few days, everything is, in fact, better. Taking care of Castiel is easy and warm.

He wakes him up with kisses, coaxing him into rolling over, parting his legs and making him moan for what seems to be hours and then pounding him into the mattress, holding him down, whispering sweet nonsense. He steps into his boyfriend's shower and washes his hair, massaging his sore muscles and kissing him tenderly. He get Castiel pliant and happy against him, and he tries to forget the feeling in his chest. Envy. Want. He wishes he would let himself be.

They're in bed, sharing kisses. Dean setting up a rhythm, his hands taking what they want, when Castiel asks. "What's gotten into you lately ?" He's smiling, pupils blown, almost drugged it seems.

"What do you mean ?" Dean doesn't really want to talk. He gets back to his plan, but Cas giggles and keeps things slow and nice, nowhere near hard and punishing like Dean would love to be.

"You're so sweet, lately. So caring." Dean's eyes are wide, and Castiel traces his lips with a finger. "You make me feel cherished. Loved." He tilts his head at Dean's frown. "What ?"

"Caring ?"

"That's not...?" Castiel recoils from his touch, eyes serious and sad. "You weren't being nice to me ?"

"You mean... You're okay with all that ? You don't feel... humiliated, being dominated like this ?" Dean can see tears in Cas' eyes, but he can see anger too. "I mean, your pride, being a man, and all that..." He knows his words are just wrong, so wrong he feels his cheeks burning.Inadequate, compared to what he's feeling. But Castiel feels loved, and he wants to feel loved, too. Cherished. 

"I see." Castiel is out of the bed, putting on some clothes. Dean can see he's mad, but the fight in his head is too loud for him to explain himself. 

"Cas, come on, just come back..."

"I'm sorry you feel like making love in an humiliation." His voice is shaking. "I guess that's something I can do without. Don't force yourself on my account."

"That's not what I meant, Cas.." Castiel is putting on his pjs, and Dean tries to grab his arm only to be pushed away. He bites the inside of his cheek because he can't cry. He can't.

"Then what do you mean, Dean ?" He can see his boyfriend shivering, and he knows it's way to hot for it to be because of the temperature. "I thought you were just being sweet, but I guess it was just a way for you to degrade me ? To make me inferior ? Was that it ?"

"No." Dean can see how wrong he is, but he can't really deal with it. It's not about Castiel, it's about him. He's feeling dirty, but only because of the words. It had nothng to do with them, but now everytime Castiel touches him, he can hear them.

"When we started this, I asked for one thing, Dean." Castiel is crying, now, and Dean is almost jealous, to see him accept his emotions without a flinch, and not feeling embarassed, when he's almost tasting blood where his teeth are keeping the tears at bay. "I asked of you not to treat me like the girls you used to pick up every Saturday night. I asked you to treat me with respect."

"I love you." It's just a whisper, but it's true. It'll always be true.

"You sure have a strange way to show it."

 

Castiel goes back to the couch, and Dean cries himself to sleep, and he's too broken to care. 

He waits until he can't delay it any longer, and goes to the kitchen, to face Cas and breakfast. There's coffee, but no mug on the table for him. Castiel made himself a toast again, but left Dean free to pick his own food. It's something new, and he doesn't like it. 

His boyfriend is sipping his tea, reading at the table. Dean can feel his eyes on his when he busies himself with finding something edible enough, and he knows he should talk. Apologize. Say something.

"Does it bother you that much, when I do things for you ?" He grabs his bowl even harder, and his knuckles are white. Castiel sounds calm, now. He probably remembered Dean doesn't deal well with confrontation. Castiel doesn't hide anything, he speaks the truth without hesitation. Dean has a lifetime of lies to battle. He needs time to trust himself to speak. "I do it because I love you, but if it makes you feel humiliated..." Castiel almost trip on the word. Dean understands all the hurt laced into it.

"It doesn't !" He kneels next to Cas, and takes hold of one of his hands. He's fucking pathetic and he doesn't care. If he can't word his thoughts, then he'll just beg until it becomes easier. "I swear to God, it doesn't. I love it when you do it..."

"Then why...?" Castiel's eyes are red, and he obviously had a bad night too. "I just want you to be happy, Dean."

"And you make me happy." Dean kisses his fingers, one by one. "I promise I don't despise you, or anything... I just..."

"To you being nice to me is a punishment ?" He can hear the tears in his boyfriend's voice. "That's just not right..."

"That's not what it is, Cas, please." He's begging, and he doesn't care. He puts his forehead on the other man's knees. "Please, I know I've been stupid, but I love you. I love you so much. Please. Please."

"What do you want, Dean ?"

"Please just hold me."

 

They go back to bed with steaming mugs. Dean lets himself being wrapped up into his boyfriend's arms, and he just breathes. He tells Cas about the fights. About Lawrence, and the gossip, and the whispers. About the girl at the bar.   
Castiel listens and kisses his cheek softly. He understands, he forgives, and Dean cries again, in the crook of his neck.

It's almost the end of summer, soon, they'll be back to work. They'll kiss goodbye at the door, and eat dinner on the couch while fighting for the remote. Dean will massage Castiel's back and shoulders after a bad day, and Cas will go up at night to make him warm milk after a nightmare. Dean will fall asleep on his lap, and Castiel will connect all of Dean's freckles in the peace of their bedroom. 

Lawrence, and the whispers, everything fades away. 

Dean speaks about next year, and the trip they plan, together. Castiel smiles and talks about Greece, and the islands. About blue and white, and honey. Dean thinks he'll probably follow his man anywhere.

And he's okay with that. He's man enough to admit it.


End file.
